My Dear Iman & Imran

                                                    01/10/2022, Saturday, Lotus' Kota Bharu

I became a Mama when I was 30 years old

Before I was even expecting, I always pictured myself as a cool & fun Mama. The house would be filled with me & my Kids' laughter, singing & dancing, colouring, reading, cooking & baking etc. Oh, the truly definition of Rumahku Syurgaku. When I knew I was carrying my 1st child, I bought some books on pregnancy & parenting and read a lot of online articles on both subjects. I observe some people I know (or know from the social media. Lols!) on their parenting method & compare the ones who would suit me ...

... but motherhood doesn't need any manual to be honest

You can't compare your parenting method with other mothers because everybody leads different lifestyle. A's parenting method might not be suitable with B, vice versa. And one can't simply criticize some mothers' choice of the way they raise up their kids, just because it goes against your so called school of thoughts. You just do you. We gave birth to our kids & have been with them since the 1st second they were brought into life by the Almighty, so why should we give a damn to some strangers who just met you like a few seconds ago?

My Kids are 5 & 3 years old now & I love them with all my heart. I sacrifice a lot of things for them, like my sleep *coughs* for example. My love is selfless. I put them above everything else no matter how tiring my day has been. Utmost love & care. My heart is full with love. Cuddles before the bed time & them looking at me like I'm the best person in this whole wide world is the best feeling ever. I feel appreciated & wanted :')

Well of course their Papa is there too but bagi chance please Mama dia nak jadi heroin sat

But, there were so many times I wish I could have done better. Especially after I got upset at them & scolded them; making me feel like I'm the worst mother who can't even tolerate the kids' tantrum. The guilt & frustration, the anger & tears

My 1st child, Iman has always been a Papa's girl. She loves her Papa so much & I honestly think she even loves him more than she loves me. Lols! I mean, her Papa has always been a fun person. You don't want to mandi even it's Maghrib already? Fine, you can mandi later. Wake up in the morning & want Twisties for breakfast? Sure can! (regardless him being a medical doctor. Pening mak!) & other fun things which she couldn't get her way if she's with me

Me, on the hand, have always been a strict mother. Must take bath early in the morning even if it's weekend. Must take bath at least twice a day (I make it compulsory to bathe 3 times a day, btw). Can't have too much sweet or junk food, they will slowly damage your brain. Can't watch tv too close, not good for your sight & other 41975356787 of Do's & Don'ts

This morning, I got slightly annoyed at  Iman for being playful whilst getting ready for school. I probably had said something to her that made her hurt I guess which later made her refuse to salam me & literally pushed me away before she left for her kindergarten with her Papa. Didn't even smile & wave me good bye, like she always did. I felt so rejected. Terus affect mood Mama sekali

Sigh!

My 2nd child, Imran is the opposite of her sister because he's definitely my Manja Boy. Mama this & Mama that. Always Mama. Hence, almost 3y5m & still bf-ing -.-' Sometimes I wonder how can he be so manja? Is it because he knows that he's the youngest or is it because I'm the one who manja him? My Husband thinks it's the latter but I can't help la. Iman is already manja with her Papa, so I also want a child to manja with me. And since we only have 2 kids, that child left is Imran :P

But I love them equally although each has some special spots in my hearts. It's not pilih kasih, just maybe the way I treat them according to their age. Both were born via c-sect, I endured the pain, those sleepless nights, feeding time, expressing & keeping the ebm etc.

Sekian, bebelan seorang Mama. May Allah swt ease all mak-mak's affairs in raising up our kids as we want only the best for them. Amin

Wad 3U, HUSM

 HUSM, Kubang Kerian, Wad 3U, 21/09/2022 - 28/09/2022

September 2022 is probably one of the hardest & challenging months for me, with Ma being admitted twice to HUSM due to her illness

About 2 years ago, Ma was diagnosed with cirrhosis (end-stage liver disease), kidney stone etc. Reading her yesterday's Discharge Summary made me realize of how many diseases she's been suffering. I don't understand most of the medical terms used in the Discharge Summary & I also can't imagine the pain she has to go through

And tears have been easily oozing lately. Sometimes, whilst I was driving, or taking bath or at my office room. Sometimes, I can't help but to miss Ma's old self, when she was still healthy & strong. She likes attending kuliyyah agama with Abah or her friends where she would drive them with her car & later makan-makan some where. She loved cooking even when she started to fall sick, she would cook while sitting down on the chair 

Often, there are some disturbing thoughts lurking around in my mind & being an overthinking person I'm, they would emotionally affect me for days. Sometimes, I couldn't help to feel that I'm alone in this journey. Feeling hopeless & wish that I could have done better

Looking after a sick parent is mentally & physically tired & challenging. And I pray to Allah swt to always ease my affairs & give me more rizq so that I could provide the best for both of my Parents. Aminn

Dep.ressing

 

Hari Kecemerlangan SBP Zon Timur 2003, SEMSAS Kuantan 

 

Hallo! *echoes*

Updating a blog is actually addictive, although nobody reads mine anymore. Lols!

But at least, I have a place to freely pour out my thoughts & feelings. Being an adult is actually tough. You have to put a brave face facing the world when truth is, you're having 957205970529 problems inside

I've a friend who once told me that I'm lucky that I don't have any problem, nothing worrying me, my life is blessed with a good husband etc. What she doesn't know is, I choose not to share my problems on the social media especially on FB because accept it, there is where the bawangrangers gather. Lols!

I might be loud & used to be very open about my life in this space, sharing like every single detail of what I went through in a day, my student life, my past relationships etc, but as years passed by & I *coughs* gain more wisdom & maturity, I've become more reserved

Oh wait! Why do I sound so sad lately? My blog posts are obviously depressing :P

Linked.In

 

I'm probably one of those people who signed up to LinkedIn by curiosity, not because I'm searching for some better job opportunities or something. I was like, 'Man, what is this LinkedIn? It looks like FB during one of its early days but it also looks like a place where a bunch of smarty pants gather online & flex their achievements & all but I'm signing up anyway!'

The day I signed up was also the day I added another point to my low self esteem record. Oh, the pressure T_T

I mean, some of the positions those people are in; I never heard of them. And were they really born to just study all their entire life? So many academic qualifications! And here I am, only have 2 law degrees & haven't had any plan to do my LL.M, let alone crack my head to do PhD. Gone those days when I was an innocent 12 years old & had 4 ambitions written in my biodata; doctor (too bad I didn't like Biology & Chemistry and yup, I didn't get all As in my SPM), lecturer (atas sikit daripada cikgu but alhamdulillah, tak jadi cikgu if not I don't know la what would happen to my students with my iman senipis bawang ni. Probably would get the Cikgu Paling Garang Award every Teacher's Day), scientist (again, jokes on me) & lawyer (well, at least I made it!) 

Nasib baik tak pernah teringin nak jadi bomba ke, polis ke? Maklumlah, tinggi pun tak cukup

And now, although not religiously, LinkedIn is just another platform for me to stalk some people I know. Not me being busy body but just to ... well, getting to know them professionally :P

Demi Kelangsungan Hidup

Today is one of those lemau days

You know, lemau? Like feeling utterly blerghh! *insert an appropriate emoticon here* Sometimes I feel like I don't really belong here but demi kelangsungan hidup, ku gagahi jua

And selamat mendaftar kepada adik-adik yang berjaya ke matriculation, diploma etc. 2 of my super juniors from SciPP will read Law Foundation in UiTM Dengkil & I wish them the best of luck. Looking forward to welcome them to the legal fraternity in a few years time. InsyaAllah

18 years since I left my secondary school. Tua ke tua do'oh?